


A Carriage Full Of Secrets

by faerymorstan



Series: Biscuitverse [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Epistolary, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Johnlockary - Freeform, Multi, Pregnancy, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-03-30 20:54:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3951385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerymorstan/pseuds/faerymorstan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John, Sherlock, and Mary are married. No one knows. Except Molly. Who's helping Mary with a murder. While Sherlock proposes to Janine. Who's working for the guy who's blackmailing Mary and who Mary's planning to kill. Which neither John nor Sherlock know.</p><p>What could go wrong?!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Hard Way. Also, Willies.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MinMu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinMu/gifts).



> Okay so: in this ‘verse, I work from the headcanon that John, Mary, and Sherlock all (intentionally) married each other in TSoT, even though only the three of them knew that their marriage includes Sherlock. I mean, Sherlock canonically dresses like the groom. And makes a vow. To all three of them. In front of everyone. I just. *feelboats* *flails* *cries about it* 
> 
> Anyway. 
> 
> At the time this post-TSoT installment begins, John, Sherlock, and Mary are together. Sherlock lives at Baker Street. John and Mary live in the suburbs. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, John and Mary are married, and Sherlock is their singleton best friend.
> 
> John wants it to stay that way. Sherlock and Mary don’t.
> 
> This story is for MinMu, who asked so nicely. <3
> 
> Last but not least, a massive tip of the hat to [finalproblem's Birdy Edwards theory](http://finalproblem.tumblr.com/post/91922571645/down-in-the-valley). I took it and ran with it. FP, thank you so so much for sharing your insights.
> 
> And now, dear readers, I give you what happens in Biscuitverse instead of HLV.
> 
> Enjoy. <3

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John--SH**

**John--SH**

**John!--SH**

**Johnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**At work go away**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I need you to help me with a break-in.--SH**

**And also a burglary.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Right now?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Friday night.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Great yes sure**

**Now piss off**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Also I need to propose marriage to Janine.--SH**

**I require your advice on how to get her to say ‘yes’.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Wait wait wait wait.**

**You’re full up on spouses already. You of all people will have figured that out.**

**So why exactly are you proposing to Janine?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**To get into Magnussen’s office.--SH**

**She’s his assistant, and we have a client who needs some photographs retrieved so as to prevent further blackmail.--SH**

**Client had a long-term affair with a woman. Doesn’t want anyone to know. Her husband’s a conservative MP.--SH**

**Since I took the case a month ago, I’ve been pretending to date her.--SH**

**Janine. Not the client.--SH**

**Even I have *some* concept of ethics.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Wait. What?**

**You’ve been pretending to date *Mary’s* Janine??**

**And we’re going to rob the Magnussen who pissed in our fireplace???**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Yep and yep.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, okay, no way I’m giving you advice on how to trick Janine--your pregnant wife’s best friend, Sherlock, I really think that bears pointing out here--into saying ‘yes’ to your fake marriage proposal.**

**Also you should tell your wife that her best friend is working for a blackmailer.**

**And I *really* wouldn’t fancy being you when Mary finds out about Janine.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Why not? It’s for a case.--SH**

**She’ll understand, and anyway it’s not as though I’m sleeping with either of them.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, no, that’s… you know what? Never mind.**

**Think you’re just gonna have to learn this one the hard way.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**‘Learn’?--SH**

**Learn *what*?--SH**

**What don’t I know??--SH**

**John?--SH**

**John?--SH**

**JOHN!--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Keep your knickers on, Trust Fund.**

**We’ll talk more tonight.**

**Want to come to ours for dinner?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Fine.--SH**

**Tell Mary I want my usual.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Your usual what?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**She’ll know.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Right.**

**Sometimes I wonder if there aren’t too many secrets in this carriage.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**???--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**MARRIAGE**

**Fucking autocorrect**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Ah.--SH**

**Does that mean you don’t want me to be a secret anymore?--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**That’s different.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I see.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Look, don’t--you’re all right with it, aren’t you?**

**With no one knowing that we’re all three married?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Of course.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Right then.**

**See you tonight.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Til tonight.--SH**

 

*

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**I know it’s odd of me to ask, but would you have time to meet up soon?**

**I hear you’re good with secrets.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Sorry, who is this?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Oh, God, sorry! It’s Mary.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Watson.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**John’s wife.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**??**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Oh for Christ’s sake.**

**You know Sherlock Holmes’ ex-flatmate?**

**The short one with the temper who had the murder wedding where Sherlock gave that rubbish best man speech?**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**That’s John, and I’m Mary.**

**John’s wife.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh!**

**Mary!**

**Sherlock’s speech really WAS rubbish, bless him.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

***Honestly*. I can’t think why John put him through that.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Right?! Greg and I were so worried about him.**

**You were *gorgeous*, by the way.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**:D**

**Thanks.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Of course! :)**

**What do you need?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**I.**

**Um.**

**It’s sort of… complicated.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Hmm.**

**Maybe tell me all of it and I’ll pick out the important bits?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Okay.**

**Um.**

**I used to be a C.I.A. agent.**

**I infiltrated the Russian Mafia under an assumed identity and I assassinated quite a lot of people who deserved to die and then one of the people I hadn’t managed to kill yet found out my real name and tried to kill me.**

**So I had to fake my death and start over in England as someone else and Mycroft helped me and I thought I was safe but this bastard Magnussen found out who I was and he’s threatening to blackmail me and if I don’t do the wetwork he wants me to do he’ll hurt John to hurt Sherlock to hurt Mycroft to hurt the whole damn world.**

**He’s already had John thrown into a bonfire and I’m so afraid for John and for Sherlock and for our baby and by the way I’m pregnant and I want to break into Magnussen’s office and kill him so we can all be safe and I need a confidante but John and Sherlock don’t know about me except the pregnant part and they can never know and Sherlock said you were good at keeping secrets.**

**So I’m asking you.**

**That’s… that’s about it, I think.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Wow.**

**That’s pretty much *all* important bits, isn’t it?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Afraid so, yeah.**

**Sorry.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**No, no, it’s fine.**

**I like a challenge. :)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Oh thank God.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**So what do you need?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Well, I’ve done some recon.**

**There’s a two-person team that cleans Magnussen’s office at the same time every afternoon.**

**And, funny thing, on Fridays, no one’s there when the cleaners come.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**And we’re going to be the cleaners?**

**And we’re going to hide in his office and pop out later to kill him?**

**And you need a lookout who’s not terribly fussed about dead bodies?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Are you *sure* you’ve never done this before?**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Well. O: )**

**I hope there won’t be any actual cleaning involved.**

**I’m pants at cleaning.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Only if I throw up. Can’t promise not to, I’m afraid.**

**So far all I know about this baby is that it’s literally nauseating.**

**Ugh.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Is it John’s or Sherlock’s?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Molly!!**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Sorry! So sorry!**

**… but really, though. Whose is it?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Oh my God, Molly.**

**It’s my husband’s.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I know, I know, but which one?**

**I mean, the whole thing where Sherlock vowed to look after all three of you, and the way you talk with him, and the way John talks with him, and the way Sherlock looks at both of you… it’s dead obvious that you’re married, isn’t it?**

**Unless… it… isn’t?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**It’s not supposed to be.**

**John doesn’t want anyone to know. :(**

**Did anyone else notice, do you think?**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Not really, no.**

**When I brought it up, no one believed me.**

**Tom said Sherlock was too gay to be married to you, and Mrs Hudson said John was too angry with Sherlock to be married to him and Sherlock was too gay to be married to you, and Janine said John was too straight to be married to Sherlock and Sherlock was too gay to be married to you, and Greg said no one in their right mind would marry Sherlock, period, but you two seemed crazy enough to try, but that wouldn’t matter because Sherlock was too gay to be married to you.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Okay.**

**Wow.**

**I mean, they’re right, he *is* gay as far as I can tell, we don’t sleep together, but… wow.**

**And who’s Tom?**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**My ex.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Oh.**

**I’m… sorry?**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**No, no, it’s a good thing.**

**He’s nice enough (and hung like a horse, oh my God), but I found someone who’s a better fit.**

**Figuratively!**

**Not his willy!**

**I mean, not that Greg’s willy doesn’t fit, it’s just, that wasn’t my point.**

**Oh God.**

**Please talk so I don’t have to.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Really glad to hear about you and Greg.**

**And about Greg’s willy. ;)**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Help.**

**I need a nice safe topic.**

**One with no willies.**

**Please can we talk about murder again?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Of course.**

**Meet you after your shift tomorrow and we can talk about it over dessert?**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Frozen yogurt all right?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Brilliant.**

**See you tomorrow.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**See you then!**

**Have a good night… with both your husbands. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**MOLLY OMG**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Bye! O: )**


	2. Of Crumpets And Sherlybears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary plans a murder, Sherlock threatens a wobbly, and John asks questions without answering any.

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Janine Hawkins

**Good morning, Crumpet!--SH**

 

From: Janine Hawkins

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherl!**

**You still going to meet me on my break tonight? *bats eyelashes***

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Janine Hawkins

**Of course. :D **\--SH****

**I even have a surprise for you. ;) ;) ;) **\--SH****

 

From: Janine Hawkins

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Ooh! :-D**

**What could it be??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Janine Hawkins

**If I tell you, that will ruin the surprise. *wink* *grin* **\--SH****

**Just be ready at six. Can’t wait to see you. <3 **\--SH****

 

From: Janine Hawkins

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, you. *wags finger***

**I’ll be ready, Sherlybear.**

**Mwah!**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Janine Hawkins

**Til tonight, Crumpet. ;-* **\--SH****

 

*

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Hey.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Hey yourself, Captain Husband.**

**Thanks for this morning. It was good. ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah. It *was* good, wasn’t it?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**At least until I threw up.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Well.**

**Nobody’s perfect.**

**Sherlock fell asleep the last time I went down on him, if it makes you feel any better.**

**Real hit to the ego, that.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**BAHAHAHA**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Should’ve known better than to agree to sex with him right after a case.**

**I ended up wanking in the shower while he snored. Not my finest hour.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**He was probably rating your performance in his sleep.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, and not highly, either.**

**Arsehole. :p**

**Anyway.**

**I was wondering, have you heard from Janine lately?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh. No.**

**We’ve had a bit of a falling out, actually.**

**Why?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**No, nothing, just.**

**Hadn’t heard you mention her in a while, that’s all.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**You never ask about my friends.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’m turning over a new leaf?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Nope, but nice try, John.**

**Why did you ask me about Janine?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Can’t talk have partner**

**Painter**

**PATIENT JFC**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**John Hamish Watson don’t you DARE dodge my question**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Home late tonight have case**

**Might sleep at Baker Street**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh my God.**

**Fine. You win.**

**You and His Nibs be safe out there.**

**Can’t guarantee your safety once you get home, though.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Fair enough**

**Love you**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I love you, too.**

**Though for the life of me, I can’t remember why….**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**My enormous cock and astonishing sexual stamina?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**No, no, that’s not it….**

**Oh!**

**Your humility!**

**So glad I remembered.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**-_-**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**;)**

 

*

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Hi!**

**Everything’s ready to go for this afternoon.**

**Afraid I might’ve had too much coffee, though. Am running to the loo every ten minutes.**

**Won’t be much good at hiding in the ceiling if I pee in it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

 **Not to worry. You’ll pee, I’ll throw up, and **if there’s any justice in the world,** it’ll all fall on Magnussen’s creepy little head. ** **;)**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan

**Hee! At least we’ll have cleaning supplies.**

**I don’t see much justice in my line of work but then again I work in a morgue so there’s a bit of a selection bias.**

**Also I don’t understand why you’re so upset with your friend, the one who’s Magnussen’s assistant.**

**She seems nice.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**She pretended to be my friend, but she was really feeding Magnussen information about me.**

**I can’t forgive her for that.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I mean, that’s not very nice, I know, but.**

**She *is* being blackmailed by her boss. Not really her fault, that.**

**And I’d think you’d understand because he’s blackmailing you, too.**

**And her being blackmailed doesn’t mean that she doesn’t actually like you.**

**Also not to be horrible, Mary, but you do lie sort of a lot.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**I know.**

**You’re right.**

**I’m not being fair.**

**Can’t seem to change how I feel, though.**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**It happens.**

**Sometimes I get mad at the corpses, which definitely isn’t fair to them, seeing as they’re dead and they can’t help it if for example their soft tissues’ve decomposed to the point of uselessness and yet my supervisor who can’t so much as make a bloody Y incision insists that I use them and then gets mad at me when my findings are rubbish because the tissues were rubbish and what did he think was going to happen, anyway, I’m really a very good doctor but I can’t turn shit into gold no matter how stroppy he gets or how much I yell at the dead people.**

**… Sorry.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**No, don’t be, that was fantastic.**

**I think you and I are going to be very good friends. :)**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’d like that. :)**

**See you at four, murder at six?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Yes!**

**Did you lay off the coffee or should I bring you some adult nappies? ;)**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Think I’m all right, thanks.**

**Though I did pack you some paper sacks to be sick in. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**HA**

**Remind me why I didn’t marry you instead of the two bags of dicks?**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Because I was dating Meat Dagger?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Yes, right!**

**And because I said ‘yes’ to John before I met you.**

**Unfortunately.** **:p**

 

From: Molly Hooper

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Hee. At least we get to plan murders together? ;)**

**See you soon!**

 

*****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Hullo darling.**

**John says you have a case on?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes, but it’s nothing *interesting*. **\--SH****

**All I want of London are cabs that will take me when I’m covered in blood and a steady supply of interesting murders to solve. **\--SH****

**Is that really too much to ask?? **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Poor thing. I’ll see what I can do.**

**Just wanted to let you know that I’m going to be home late tonight. I’m going to a movie with Molly.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**No. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**‘No’?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**No. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Okay.**

**Why?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Molly is MY friend. You can’t have her. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

***Sherlock*.**

**First off, Molly gets to decide who she spends her time with. Not me. Not you. *Molly*.**

**And why can’t she be friends with both of us?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Of course she CAN be friends with both of us. **\--SH****

**She WON’T. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Why on earth not??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary, you *have* met me. **\--SH****

**I’m abrasive and awkward and cruel and I complain about you and John and I make fun of the men Molly dates and I never apologised to her for using her affection for me to manipulate her and I feel quite a lot of affection for her but I rarely express it, I make her live on scraps, and yet she remains my friend. **\--SH****

**You’re affectionate and funny and empathetic and really very good at listening and Molly won’t have any reason to be friends with me if she has you. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, Sherlock.**

**Darling.**

**You really ought to tell all of that to Molly herself, but I promise you, she really *is* your friend. Nothing I could do would change that.**

**Also.**

**Um.**

**She knows about our marriage.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Shit. **\--SH****

**Don't be mad. I didn’t tell her. I really didn't. **\--SH****

**Don't tell John. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I won't.**

**And I know you didn't tell her, love, but you didn’t have to. She’s quite sharp.**

**Don’t worry. She won’t tell unless we say it’s all right.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**We do, though. **\--SH****

**Say it’s all right. **\--SH****

**You and I. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**But John doesn’t.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes. **\--SH****

**Right. **\--SH****

**Anyway John and I will be out late on the boring case and we might sleep at Baker Street so I probably won’t know when you get to yours so be as late as you want, it doesn’t matter. **\--SH****

**Am hoping to be alert after this case as last time we went back to Baker Street post-case the last thing I remember is being very happy about the things John’s mouth was doing to my cock and then suddenly I was waking up in a pool of my own drool and John was having what sounded like a profoundly mediocre wank in my shower. **\--SH****

**Married life is sometimes disappointing, isn’t it? **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Definitely.**

**Chin up, though. So’s unmarried life.**

**Good luck tonight. I love you. <3**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

 **I love you too but if you steal my Molly I will throw a wobbly of a magnitude you cannot hope to imagine. **\--SH****  
****

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Pretty sure Molly belongs to herself, Sherlock.**

**No need for wobblies. She cares for you. I'm sure of it.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Hmph. **\--SH****

**Have fun, then. **\--SH****

**;) **\--SH****


	3. The Silence Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John isn't speaking, Sherlock isn't Jesus, and Mary isn't sure she didn't ruin the chocolate bread. Or her marriage.

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Well.--SH**

***That* was a turn-up. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Hello? **\--SH****

**Spouses? **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**We *are* going to talk about this, right? **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Right?? **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh for God’s sake. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**SPOUSES **\--SH****

**ANSWER ME **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Ugh. **\--SH****

***Bored.* **\--SH****

**I would threaten to set something on fire unless you talk to me but everything here is Molly’s and she told me that I can stay here but I cannot set anything on fire and if I do she will kill me in my sleep. **\--SH****

**Godfrey informs me that if she were to do so the Met would not pursue a case against her as her actions would be construed as a legal act of self-defense. **\--SH****

**Bah. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Am aware that it has only been forty-eight hours twelve minutes and thirty-six seconds since we last spoke but am beginning to worry that you are never going to speak to me or each other again. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Unless you *are* speaking to each other and excluding me. **\--SH****

**Are you?? **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Wait. **\--SH****

**What am I saying? Of course you aren’t. **\--SH****

**You couldn’t even look at each other when we left Magnussen’s office. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Ludicrous, really. **\--SH**  **

**We’re all of us liars. No sense being in a strop about who lied about being an assassin, or who pretended to be doing boring case things when he was really breaking into a building, or who concealed what knowledge from which spouses, or who proposed to whose best friend while failing to notice being used by said best friend and whose alleged sexual proclivities have consequently been sold to certain tabloids for a truly staggering price. **\--SH****

**Just. You know. Hypothetically. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Are you quite finished throwing wobblies because this silent treatment thing is *excruciating*. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**UGH. **\--SH****

**You are both being SO dull. **\--SH****

**I am not going to bother with talking to you unless you become interesting again. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I am not really talking to you. **\--SH**  **

**I am just letting you know that now we have reached the one week mark in the Silence Wars I do not miss you at all. **\--SH****

**I have a Molly and a Guillaume and a Toby and they all talk to me. **\--SH****

**Even the bloody cat. **\--SH****

**Clearly I do not need you to be talked to or cared about or licked and clawed about the face. **\--SH****

**Ha! **\--SH**  **

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh God please answer me I am dying without you. **\--SH****

**Possibly of malnutrition. **\--SH****

**Molly informs me that half a glass of water and a bite of penguin biscuit do not in fact constitute a proper daily intake. **\--SH****

**To be frank it is hard to eat even that much. **\--SH****

**Also I have not left the sofa in some time and Molly is beginning to look at me like she did before I died. **\--SH****

**Part of me always wants to be dead but most of me doesn’t but that’s easier to remember when you are talking to me. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Why did you take her side**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I miss you, Sherlock. I do.**

**But I can’t trust you not to hurt me and lie to me if it would help one of your cases.**

**I won’t let you do that to me again.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**What, about her having been an intelligence agent? **\--SH****

**Of course she lied. We’d all have been in danger if she’d told the truth. **\--SH****

**Anyway it was none of our business. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Please. You lied to me from the moment we met. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**My lying wife planning to kill a man in cold blood is none of my business????**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I NEVER DATED YOUR BEST FRIEND BEHIND YOUR BACK**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**If the man is neither us nor anyone we care about? **\--SH**  **

**No. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**OF COURSE YOU BLOODY DID **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my god.**

**You are unbelievable.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**YOU WERE DEAD**

**THAT DOESN’T COUNT**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**And I’m right. **\--SH****

**You know I’m right. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**IT WAS FOR A CASE **\--SH****

**THAT DOESN’T COUNT EITHER **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah.**

**No.**

**Just.**

**I’m not ready for… this.**

**You.**

**Any of it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Of course you aren’t. **\--SH****

**You never have been. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD HER **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Look.**

**Sherlock.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**TRY ME**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**You treated our marriage, you treated *me*, like something to be ashamed of. **\--SH**  **

**Something a blackmailer could use against you. **\--SH****

**I won’t let you do that to me again. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I WILL **\--SH****

**I’LL BE HONEST FROM NOW ON **\--SH****

**EVEN ABOUT THE THINGS THAT WILL HORRIFY YOU **\--SH****

**SO THERE **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh for fuck’s sake.**

**Drama Queen.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**HA**

**TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME**

**I’LL BE HONEST, TOO**

**EVEN WHEN YOU’LL BE HORRIFIED**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Goodbye, John. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**… **\--SH****

**… **\--SH****

**… **\--SH****

**So we’re sorted, then? **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Of course.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Answer me.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh thank God. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

***Sherlock*.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Come home.**

**I made you chocolate bread.**

**I cried the whole time I was making it, so it might be a bit off, but.**

**It smells nice, at least.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Look, I can’t--I’m not--.**

**I’ll tell people.**

**About us.**

**If you come back.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Am drooling already. **\--SH****

**Will call a cab. **\--SH****

**Can’t wait to see you. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I’ve moved back to 221B.**

**I’m still mad at you for not telling me that Molly knew about us, and for siding with Mary in this whole--this whole thing--but.**

**You’re my husband, and I’m yours, and I’ll tell anyone you want me to tell, and you… you should come home to me.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Mmm. **\--SH****

**And Mary? **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Same.**

**I miss you so much.**

**I can’t sleep without you snoring in my ear.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**What about her?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I do NOT snore. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**She’s your wife. **\--SH****

**She’s pregnant. **\--SH****

**You’re the father. **\--SH****

**You’re not concerned about her? **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You do so.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I am, of course I am, but I can’t--.**

**I don’t--.**

**I’m angry.**

**Very angry.**

**Not sure I won’t make things worse.**

**If. You know. If I see her.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**LIES. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Ah. **\--SH****

**Unfortunate. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Nope.**

**I don’t tell you those anymore, remember?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah.**

**Seems there’s a lot of unfortunate to go around, lately.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Bugger. **\--SH****

**In that case, brace yourself. You’re in for an earful tonight. **\--SH****

**Just got in the cab. **\--SH**  **

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Indeed. **\--SH****

**I miss you but I am going to stay with Mary. **\--SH****

**I will come to Baker Street to see you when you’re home from work tomorrow as long as you agree that we will not lie to each other anymore. **\--SH****

**If so, am not wholly averse to the prospect of being shagged into the mattress. **\--SH****

**Or to shagging you into the mattress. Not sure what kind of mood you’re in. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Consider me braced.**

**Safe travels. I love you.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Right.**

**No lying. Agreed.**

**Also the shagging.**

**Either way is… um… good.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**That… is… good. **\--SH****

**You are also loved. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Good. **\--SH****

**When you’re at work tomorrow definitely don’t spend every spare moment picturing how you’re going to cane my arse raw before you make me take your cock. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**By you?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**DAMMIT SHERLOCK**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**By me. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**What? Why? **\--SH****

**I am also uncomfortably aroused but unlike you there is nothing I can do about it as I am in a cab and I suspect that the cabbie would notice were I to dig a plug out of my luggage and wank until I screamed your name. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Thank God. ♥**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

***DAMMIT*, SHERLOCK.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**♥ **\--SH****

**See you soon. **\--SH****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**See you tomorrow. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**If you haven’t killed me by then.**

**Jesus.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Mmm, no. Not quite. **\--SH****

**Though I *did* come back from the dead, I suppose…. ;) **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK I SWEAR TO GOB**

***DOG**

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Laters ;-* **\--SH****


	4. The Three Of Us And A Roll Of Duct Tape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John comes to a decision, Mycroft comes up with a job offer, and Sherlock and Mary just *come*.

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Oh God.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Molly Hooper

**MOLLY--SH**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**You’re probably still asleep, but I’m texting you anyway because you are *not* going to believe this.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Molly Hooper

**HELP **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Long story short: Sherlock and I had sex last night.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Molly Hooper

**There was a thing involving me. **\--SH****

**And Mary. **\--SH****

**And sex. **\--SH****

**Comma unexpected. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**I’d been crying, and Sherlock was holding me, and we went to bed to have a cuddle.**

**Which we did.**

**And then he came in my mouth and I sat on his face.**

**¯\\_(** **ツ** **)_/¯**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Molly Hooper

**It was… wet. **\--SH****

**And good. **\--SH****

**Very good. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**It was… really good, actually.**

**Wouldn’t mind a repeat performance or ten.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Molly Hooper

**I did not expect it to be good. **\--SH****

**I did not expect it to *be*, full stop. **\--SH****

**But it has in fact happened and was in fact good and I am prepared for exactly neither of these things. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Think Sherlock might be having a bit of a panic about it, the poor thing.**

**He woke up this morning, looked at me, went all wide-eyed, and made a beeline for the bathroom.**

**He thinks he’s hiding, but he took the sheet with him, and it’s trailing out from under the door.**

**I’ve half a mind to give it a tug and see what happens.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Molly Hooper

**I am hiding in the bathroom so perhaps Mary has forgotten that I exist and I will never have to face the fact that I enjoy having sex with her. **\--SH****

**No. **\--SH****

**Wait. **\--SH****

**Part of the sheet is stuck under the door. **\--SH****

**Must be visible from the other side. **\--SH****

**Damned traitorous linens oh God she found me it’s all over **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Gave his sheet a tug and asked him to talk to me.**

**Think I heard a squeak. Poor overwhelmed darling.**

**If I can just get him to talk….**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Molly Hooper

**I don’t mind that she was an assassin or that I watched her put a bullet through Magnussen’s head but now she’s asking me to *talk*? **\--SH****

**About **sex**?? **\--SH****

**SHE IS CLEARLY A MONSTER OUR MARRIAGE IS A DISASTER **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Oh, there we are.**

**I’ve got him out of hiding.**

**I promised him triple chocolate biscuits and a blowjob.**

**Think I might be better at them than John.**

**The blowjobs, not the biscuits.**

**Well.**

**Both, actually, now I think about it.**

**^_^**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Molly Hooper

**Ahem. **\--SH****

**Never mind about the disaster. **\--SH****

**All is well and you should pretend my previous texts never happened. **\--SH****

**Now to tell John. **\--SH****

**Hmm. **\--SH****

**On second thought, that may be a bit of a disaster in and of itself. **\--SH****

**Further planning required. **\--SH****

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Molly Hooper

**Sherlock and I are fine, if a bit not-at-all-what-we-expected.**

**Would tell John all about it, but, you know.**

**I’m so grateful that the baby will have at least one father.**

**Sherlock’s terrified about being a dad and pretending not to be, but he *is* trying, and I adore him for it.**

**If we weren’t already married, I’d propose. ;)**

**Anyway. Thanks for listening. Sorry I rambled.**

**See you tomorrow. <3**

 

*

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Good evening, Mrs Watson.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**And a good evening to you, Mr Holmes.**

**I presume you need a favour?**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mmm, not precisely, no.**

**Rather, I find myself faced with the odd pesky imbroglio that would, I believe, be resolved most efficiently by someone with your particular skill set.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**I see.**

**And?**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I cannot help but wonder whether you would be amenable to coming out of retirement on an as-needed basis.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**I’m a married woman with a baby on the way, Mr Holmes.**

**Surely you don’t think it would be appropriate for me to exercise my ‘skill set’ in my condition?**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**To the contrary, Mrs Watson.**

**You have already done so to great personal (and, I must concede, national) advantage; I would be remiss if I did not ask you to do the same solely in the service of your country.**

**You would, of course, be compensated for your… civic-mindedness.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**Ah, yes. Of course.**

**My famous civic-mindedness.**

**I want twice the standard rate.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mrs Watson!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**And your best--your *best*, Mycroft--protection for my child and any children who come after.**

**If the wrong people so much as breathe on them, I will hold you and your employer personally accountable, and I *will* respond accordingly.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**MARY**

**o_O**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**You want me to put my family at risk for my country?**

**Fine, but my country will bloody well be at risk if it allows anything to happen to my family.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I will have to confer with my employer.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**So that’s a ‘yes’, then.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mmm.**

**I see that domesticity has not dulled you in the slightest.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**Of course not. Why should it?**

**Have to go. Running late for my twelve-week ultrasound.**

**I’ll tell Sherlock that you told him to put some trousers on, or whatever it is you Holmes boys say instead of ‘I’m fond of you’.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**We do no such thing.**

**Though do in fact put some trousers on, Alicia.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**Oh, Myc. You *have* gone soft in your dotage.**

**I’m fond of you too, you great stuffy git.**

**Say hello to your employer for me. ;)**

 

*

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Hey.**

**So.**

**I. Um.**

**I told my parents about us.**

**Went about as well as you’d expect, so, you know.**

**Not nearly as well as with your parents.**

**Not even as well as it went with Mycroft, considering that all he did was leave you a voicemail just to say ‘Obviously’.**

**Mum and Dad said it wasn’t fair to Mary and the baby, me being with you.**

**Couldn’t seem to convince them that we’re all three married, even you and Mary.**

**Didn’t tell them about the--you know.**

**They don’t know that I’ve been living at Baker Street.**

**Anyway.**

**I told all our friends about us, too, like you asked.**

**None of them seemed surprised.**

**Well.**

**Except Stamford.**

**He was surprised that I thought anyone didn’t already know.**

**Greg said he was happy for us and that it was past time for me to pull my head out of my arse and reconcile with Mary, not that he knows what she’s done.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Why should it matter? You don’t know what I’ve done. **\--SH**  **

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**What?**

**How is that…?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**When I was away. **\--SH****

**You don’t know what I did. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Right.**

**Yeah.**

**Don’t need to.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Or don’t want to. **\--SH****

**And Mary and I don’t know what *you’ve* done, *Captain*. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock.**

**What are you saying.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I’m saying that you’ve had your wobbly and if you are quite finished being righteous and aggrieved then perhaps you might consider moving back in with our wife and son as our wife misses you very much and at the rate you’re going our son will be born not knowing your voice from a fart in the ocean. **\--SH****

**… I got that from Mary. **\--SH****

**The ‘fart in the ocean’ bit. **\--SH****

**I suspect her Americanisms come out more often when she is angry and I am the only one there. **\--SH****

**Not that she is angry at me. **\--SH****

**Necessarily. >.> **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Wait.**

**‘Our’ and ‘son’?**

**We know the baby’s sex and you’ve agreed to be his father??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Bollocks. **\--SH****

**Mary wanted to be the one to tell you. **\--SH****

**You know. If you spoke to her again. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Of course I was going to speak to her again. **  
****

***Am* going to.**

**Just.**

**It’s not as easy for me as it is for you, Sherlock.**

**The being. You know.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Being…? **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Um.**

**Different.**

**To what I’d expected.**

**Always thought I was normal.**

**Or could be, anyway.**

**If I tried.**

**Turns out I married a pregnant assassin and a stroppy detective, and between the three of us and a roll of duct tape, we have one barely functioning moral compass.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Ah. **\--SH****

**And you mind that you don’t mind. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah.**

**That.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**So essentially you love us as we are and as a result you don’t love yourself as you are. **\--SH****

**John, this may be the closest I’ve ever come to feeling sorry for you. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh god you’ve been spending way too much time with Mary haven’t you.**

**I’ll talk to her tomorrow.**

**Hopefully move back in, if she’ll have me.**

**Thanks for. Um.**

**For waiting.**

**Both of you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Oh don’t worry, we spent the whole month talking about what an arsehole you are. **\--SH****

**Also we’ve been having loads of sex and not including you. **\--SH****

**I’d say we’re even. **\--SH****

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK**

**EXPLAIN**

**NOW**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Laters! ;) **\--SH****

 


	5. The Honesty Lark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John, Mary, and Sherlock have a visit from the Honesty Lark.

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hey.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’m sorry, who is this?**

**I’ve forgotten who’s at this number.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Seriously?**

**Who am *I*??**

**That’s rich coming from you, ‘Mary’. Really fucking rich.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John not that I am the communications expert in this marriage but even I can tell that you are arsing this up--SH**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Funny, it’s the ‘Watson’ that feels like a lie to me.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah.**

**Okay.**

**Let’s, um.**

**Let’s start over.**

**Hey.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hi.**

**-_-**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’ve done some thinking.**

**And I’ve made some decisions.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Lucky me.**

**I thought you’d make me wait til Christmas.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Um… yeah.**

**So.**

**Meet me at Baker Street for dinner tonight?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh no.**

**I’m pregnant, I’ve gone a month without a single word from the father of my child *even though we work in the same clinic*, and I can’t even eat my feelings about it because I’ll end up holding back my own hair and face-down in the loo.**

**If you have something to say, say it.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah.**

**Okay.**

**I’m still really pissed at you for lying to me.**

**I can’t promise not to get shirty with you about that, sometimes.**

**But you’re one of the two great loves of my life, and nothing you’ve done, nothing you could ever do, could change that.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Even if I still do wetwork for Mycroft?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Even then.**

**Just. Maybe don’t tell me when you go on a job.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**….**

**You *want* me to lie to you??**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**About that? Yeah.**

**I don’t want to know.**

**Otherwise, no lying.**

**Not just for you. For all three of us.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Reasonable.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Even if I’m lying to you to spare your feelings?--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Especially then.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You’re sure?--SH**

**Because in that case I will have to tell you that your house is utterly gauche and your taste in interior decorating is even worse and I am very put out that neither of you agree with me that you should sell the wretched thing and move into Baker Street with me.--SH**

**Just. You know. As one example.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh Christ.**

******Going to be a bit of a challenge, this ‘no lying’ thing.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Please. You *love* a challenge.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**No, Sherlock, I don’t love *a* challenge.**

**I love two.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God quit *talking* and come home to me.**

**I’m going to claim you all for myself for a little while and shove ultrasound pictures at you and ugly-cry all over your shirt, but after that, we should all three have dinner.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I’ll bring takeaway from Angelo’s.--SH**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Does Angelo’s even *have* takeaway??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**In general? No.--SH**

**For me? Yes.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Ha! Should’ve known.**

**I have to pack up a few things at Baker Street, but after that, I’ll come straight home.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Don’t you mean you’ll come ‘bi’?**

**;D**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my god.**

**You are *horrible*.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**And you love me.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**And I love you.**

**< 3**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Ugh. You two are REVOLTING.--SH**

**Anyway I do not promise to go straight anywhere or indeed to do anything in a remotely straight fashion but I do have to go to the morgue to pick up some--no, that’s a lie, we’re not lying anymore, damn--I have to go to the morgue for hugs from Molly because this whole marital rough patch thing was really very unsettling.--SH**

**I am at my best in a crisis so now we’re all right again I am having a bit of a breakdown and I hypothesise from past experience that if I tell Molly everything and then pretend to humour her hugs and sympathy whilst secretly basking in them I will feel better.--SH**

**… I am deeply suspicious of this whole ‘honesty’ lark.--SH**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Don’t be. You’re doing great.**

**See you tonight. <3**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I’ll see *both* of you tonight.--SH**

***Finally*.--SH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah.**

**Feels good.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**It really does.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh! John.**

**I wanted to ask… did you want to know my name?**

**From before I was Mary, I mean.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Depends.**

**Is Mary Watson good enough for you?**

**Mary?**

**You all right??**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Sorry crying can’t type**

**Yes**

**Oh my God yes**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Then it’s good enough for me, too.**

**:)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**♥**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah. Same.**

**Going to hold you and our son so trite.**

**TARP**

**Fucking--never mind.**

**You know what I mean.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I do.**

**I really do.**

**♥♥♥**

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [All Was Absolute Silence Behind Us](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5320988) by [Violsva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violsva/pseuds/Violsva)




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